Prescence for peace

The Illusion of Independence: How My Godson is Learning Self-Regulation

The other day, I received a text from my godson that caught me off guard. He wasn’t reaching out to talk about prom or senior night or some milestone moment of celebration. Instead, he was asking if I could help him rent a hotel room because, in his words, “he just can’t stay there anymore.” My initial reaction was a mix of annoyance and concern—he wanted to leave his grandparents' house not for a special event, but because he felt he could no longer be there.

As I read the message, I thought back to my own teenage years, and I could feel his desire for independence pulsating through the text. The need to prove that he could "do it on his own," that he could escape the pressures and rules of the household, and find freedom in his own space. This is a feeling I know all too well. In my youth, I believed that my happiness would come from finding a place where I was in control. If I could just escape my parents’ rules and the environment I felt was stifling me, everything would magically click. I envisioned my own personal freedom, often fantasizing about living like James Bond, hanging out with the Ninja Turtles, or blasting DMX in a world where the only rules were my own.

At the time, I thought the key to happiness was leaving the old world behind, physically and mentally. But what I’ve come to realize, and what I hope my godson will learn too, is that true independence isn’t about escaping; it’s about creating a space where you feel both empowered and balanced—mentally, emotionally, and physically.

The Trap of Escaping

It’s easy to think that leaving a situation will bring relief. We tend to romanticize the idea of running away, as if a fresh start in a new place will solve everything. But the truth is, the problems you face won’t magically disappear by changing locations or environments. In fact, you might just end up running into the same issues, but now you’ll be in an unfamiliar setting, adding stress to your life that wasn’t there before.

The fantasy of escaping is alluring. It promises control, peace, and freedom, but it doesn’t teach you the skills you need to deal with life’s real challenges. It’s tempting to avoid tough conversations or uncomfortable emotions, but growth happens when we face those things head-on, rather than running from them.

Teaching Self-Regulation and Real Independence

When my godson sent me that message, I knew it wasn’t just about the hotel room. It was about him wanting to assert control over his life, to feel like he could finally make his own decisions. As much as I empathized with that, I also knew that the real work wasn’t about finding a hotel room or running away—it was about finding ways to stay where you are and create a sense of self-regulation, independence, and control from within.

Self-regulation isn’t about controlling everything around you; it’s about controlling how you respond to what happens. It’s about understanding that real independence is grounded in mental and emotional resilience. It’s about building tools that can help you deal with stress, disappointment, frustration, and all the other emotions that come with being human.

Instead of fleeing to a new environment, my godson has the opportunity to stay present and learn how to handle the challenges that come his way. It’s about teaching him how to regulate his emotions in healthy ways, to set real goals that bring him closer to the kind of life he wants to lead, and to understand that true happiness comes from self-awareness, not escape.

Setting Goals, Not Running Away

I remember thinking that if I could just escape, everything would fall into place. But as I’ve grown, I’ve learned that it’s not about abandoning your current situation; it’s about setting real goals that align with the life you want to create. Building emotional tools—like mindfulness, breathing techniques, and stress management practices—can help us navigate life’s ups and downs without feeling like we have to run away.

For my godson, the path forward isn’t about physically removing himself from his environment. It’s about setting goals—small, achievable goals—that help him build emotional resilience and better navigate his world. It’s about understanding that his independence isn’t defined by a hotel room or escaping; it’s about what he’s capable of handling in his current space, with the support of those who care for him.

Conclusion: The Real Journey to Happiness

While my godson’s desire for independence is a normal part of growing up, the real lesson here isn’t about escaping to a hotel room. It’s about learning the power of self-regulation, setting meaningful goals, and building a toolbox of wellness practices that will help him deal with life’s challenges in any setting. The most significant freedom doesn’t come from running away; it comes from developing the skills to stay grounded, face challenges head-on, and grow stronger through each experience.

As he continues to navigate his teenage years, I hope my godson will realize that true independence doesn’t mean escaping; it means building a life where he’s in control of his responses, his goals, and his emotions. Only then can he truly be free—and happy.